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Game, Set and Mouse/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Did I ever tell you about that time at public school when I stole that kid's lunch...? Brent Leroy: And buried it in the sandbox? Yeah, I was the kid. Hank: Oh. Hey, I wonder who invented the salt shaker? Probably someone named "Wendy Salt" or ah, "Sally Shaker", huh? Brent: Now you're just forcing it. Hank: I can't believe we've run out of conversation. Brent: Well, it was inevitable. We've known each other 35 years, we're bound to run out of things to say. Hank: Yea, but not like this. I haven't even finished my first beer. Brent: OK, easy, let's just ride this out. I'm sure we'll come up with something. Hank: Man, I got nothing. Brent: Hey, remember that time that you stole my lunch and buried it in the...oh yeah. Oscar Leroy: Hey, did you see that? A mouse just ran across the floor, it was as big as a gopher. Hank: Well, if he was as big as a gopher, you know what it might have been? Oscar: It wasn't a gopher. I know the difference between mice and gophers, jackass! Hank: I was gonna say squirrel. Oscar: It was a mouse! It was the biggest mouse I've ever seen. Brent: Did it have boxing gloves on it, bounce up and down? That mistake's been made before. Oscar: What are you talking about? It was a mouse! And I'm gonna catch it. Brent: Oh, Father. Hank: This could really catch on. Lacey Burrows: Hey guys. What could catch on? Brent: The other night, we were kinda bored so we invented a new game. Lacey: An avoiding work type of game? Hank: More of a general knowledge kind of game to see how much you know. Generally. Brent: Yeah, each player gets asked questions, not important questions, just random, unimportant, almost trivial questions. Hank: Questions with very little relevance in the real world. Brent: And you try correctly and when you do, you get a little wedge and when you answer them all correctly, the wedges form a little circle, like a... Lacey: Like a cake. Brent: No, more like a... Lacey: Wheel of cheese? Hank: No. Lacey: Pizza? Brent: No, more dessert-like. Hank: Problem is, Brent and I would be unbeatable at the game because we know too much stuff. Lacey: Well, I don't know about your game but it sounds a lot like Trivial Pursuit. Hank: Trivial what? Lacey: Trivial Pursuit, the game. Brent: Never heard of it. Oscar: You looking for the mouse too? Wanda Dollard: No, I hurt my back. Because Brent asked me to stack a bunch of wiper fluid. Brent: Hey, could you stack these? Wanda: I'm busy. Oh! Wanda: He thinks he can push me around. Oscar: Who, the mouse? Wanda: I've stopped talking to you. Oscar: Right, we don't want to scare the mouse. Hank: If "Trivia Pursual" were real, we would have heard of it. Brent: Yeah, she probably overheard us talking and she's copying our game. Lacey: Trivial Pursuit, everybody's heard of it. It sold like a zillion, kachillion copies. Hank: Those aren't even real numbers. Brent: Yeah, what a giveaway. Hey, could we get a schillion, prillion cups of coffee please? Brent and Hank: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Brent: Seriously, more coffee. Hank: Just two, though. Wanda: Ooooh. Karen Pelly: Hey, Wanda. You OK? Wanda: Oh, yeah. I find it relaxing to lay my face on the counter and groan like a harp seal. Karen: Harp seals don't groan, harp seals harp. Wanda: My back is killing me. Do me a favour, empty two bottles of ibuprofen into my mouth and grab me a root beer. Karen: Pills should be a last resort. Here, I studied a bit of physiotherapy, maybe I can help you out. Wanda: No, I don't want you to...Ooooh! Oh, oh, oh. Karen: That was a harp seal. Davis Quinton: Hey, Oscar. How's it going? Oscar: What's it look like I'm doing? Davis: I never asked you what you were doing, I asked how it was going. Oscar: Oh, well, I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm buying mouse traps. Davis: Those are the kind that kill the mouse! You can get humane traps. Do the catch-and-release method. Oscar: I prefer the kill and flush method. Lacey: All right then, look at this, Trivial Pursuit. What do you have to say about it now, huh? Hank: Aw man, way to steal out idea. Why don't you go and invent your own game? Brent: Though I do admire your craftsmanship. Lacey: My craftsmanship? Oh c'mon, how could I have made a professionally printed board game with custom-fitted plastic pieces in under four hours? Brent: You got big city connections. Who knows what you can do. Hank: She even took our wedge idea. Davis: Don't kill the little fellow, he's cute. Oscar: How do you know? You've never seen him. Davis: I don't have to, I can just imagine how cute he is. Little eyes, little nose, eating his cheese, tapping the keys on his little piano. Oscar: What are you, some kind of animal lover? Davis: Why, is that a bad thing? Oscar: It is when you say it like this, "animal lover?" Davis: You're right, it does sound bad. Still, I got nothing against animals. I once nursed an owl back to health. Davis: There you go. You fly away Hooty, be free. Go Hooty, go! Davis: Hooty did a big, majestic loop and screeched goodbye. Maybe I should have called him Screechy or Loopy. Oscar: Bird lover. Karen: Hey, do you feel any better? Wanda: I feel like you hit him in the spine with a pick ax. Karen: Is that better or worse? Wanda: Come here. Put your neck in my hands for a second. Emma: Hey, what's going on? Karen: Oh, Wanda's back was sore so I did that back-cracking thing, you know, where ya go behind the person... Wanda: Don't touch me! Emma: You shouldn't fool around with things you don't fully understand. Rest for now. I'll whip you up a batch of paste that'll fix you right up. Wanda: What kind of paste? Emma: Oh, I don't know, paste. I don't fully understand how it works but it's been in the family for generations. Karen: Like some old hillbilly mud pack or something? Emma: Hillbilly? Karen: I meant pioneer. Emma: Now, this is how a pro works Karen. You take three dollops of goop and spread it evenly like spaghetti sauce. Wanda: It's burning! Emma: The warmth means it's working. Wanda: I didn't say warmth. It feels like you're welding my spine. Emma: That also means it's working. Karen: What do the red blotches mean? Emma: It means it's time to shut up. Wanda: What? There's blotches? Karen: Not anymore. Now your whole back is red. Wanda: Ow! Now it's really burning! My skin is on fire! Emma: Geez, I'm glad that's not me. Karen: Hey, Trivial Pursuit. Lacey: Oh, so you've heard of it. Karen: Ah, yeah, I have the genius edition at home. Lacey: It's "genus", there's no "i." Karen: There's an "i" in genius. Lacey: Yeah, well Brent and Hank haven't even heard of it. Karen: Sure they have. Hank has Trivial Pursuit Junior. He's still not very good at it. Lacey: Really? Karen: Brent's had Trivial Pursuit parties at his house. Before you moved here. I think they were before you moved here. Pretend I never mentioned the parties. Emma: I have another idea for your back. Wanda: No need, after the redness went down and my skin stop burning with the intensity of a thousand suns, my back started to feel much better. Brent: That's good news. Can you stack the wiper fluid? Wanda: Can I ever. Brent: Great, I'll be next door. Wanda: OK. Emma: I'm just glad Karen didn't damage you with her science. Wanda: That quack? No, no, it was all you and your bucket of hot crap. Wanda: That crap? No, no, it was all you and your savage spine twisting. Karen: Oh, good. 'Cause I was worried that Emma's thing was gonna kill you. Wanda: I was insane. No, thanks to you my back feels like a million bucks. Brent: Stop bragging about your back. Oscar: Here's my secret, hard candy. Most people use cheese as bait. Most people are stupid. Mice like candy. Davis: OK, but before you do this, I'm gonna show you a little reenactment of what it's gonna be like for the mouse. This is the mouse. Oscar: That's a bread stick. Davis: Let's pretend it's a mouse. And this is the mouse trap. Oscar: What are you pretending that is? Davis: A mouse trap. Oscar: Slow down. Davis: "OK kids, I'm off to get us some food. Try and find some hard candy." Oscar: Who's saying that? Davis: His kids. Oscar: Oh, so there's other bread sticks. Davis: "OK, here I go. I'm sure nothing bad will happen, what, with me only four days from retirement. Ooo, woo-di-do-di-do-di-do-di-do." The end. Oscar: Oh, no! Davis: See, sad isn't it? Oscar: No, while I was watching your stupid puppet show, the mouse stole all the candy! Oh, he's clever. Davis: Good job, Squeaky. Lacey: So, I just found out something kinda neat. I don't know, you guys might find it trivial. But, Karen told me that you've both played Trivial Pursuit before. Brent: She's lying. Who's Karen? Lacey: And you've had Trivial Pursuit parties at your house, which, I obviously wasn't invited to. Brent: Well, those were before you moved here. Lacey: Huh, so you admit you've had Trivial Pursuit parties! Brent: No. I mean, I've had parties at my house, where there were board games, some of which may or may not have involved trivia and we, you know, pursued the answers. And, eh, little help? Hank: No, you're doing great. Lacey: You guys have been yanking my chain this whole time. Brent: OK, ding, we're out. She caught on at 11:17am which mean she bought it for 23 hours and 5 minutes. Hank: Pwhoo... Lacey: What are you talking about? Brent: Hank and I did invent a new game but the game we invented is called "Gullabaloney." Hank: The object of the game is to see how long you can make someone believe something unbelievable, like never having heard of Trivial Pursuit before. I thought we were calling it "Gullabull" like "bull." Brent: No, "Gullabaloney", it's more fun, "Gullabaloney." Hank: How's that more fun? Which one do you like better? Lacey: I hate you both equally. Emma: Hey Karen, good news about Wanda's back. Karen: Sure is. So, no hard feelings? Emma: Why would I have hard feelings? My homemade poultice did the trick. Karen: Not according to Wanda. She said you were insane and a hillbilly. Emma: Well, I was just talking to Wanda and she said, and I quote "my wonderful medicine is what fixed her." Karen: Whatever primes your still, Jethro. It's my physio that fixed her. Emma: Well, she called you a quack. A stupid, quacky jerk. Her words. Karen: Doesn't look like you're feeling better. Emma: You sound like you're still in pain. Wanda: Just resting with my back up against the wall. Karen: Well, if you're feeling better, let's see you stand up on your own. Wanda: Fine. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ta-da! Emma: I knew it, you're not feeling better. Karen did this to you, didn't she? Karen: It was Emma-Mae's swamp goo. You're lucky to be alive. Wanda: Kinda wishing I wasn't. Lacey: You guys want anything else? Hank: I'm craving some vanilla ice cream. Lacey: Oh, sorry. I don't have any vanilla ice cream. I don't carry it here because I'm deathly allergic to it. Oh yeah, you know even if a little bit of vanilla ice cream comes in contact with my skin, I could die. Brent: You were eating vanilla ice cream in here yesterday. Lacey: Ha, ha! I gotcha! Hank: That guy's eating vanilla ice cream right over there. Brent: You maybe need to practice this a little bit. Lacey: Oh, you guys, you can dish it out but you can't take it. Hank: Can you dish out some vanilla ice cream? Oscar: Have you seen my traps? Wanda: No, but I see you have a hole in your pants. Davis: I'm confiscating these. Oscar: You've gone skating with thieves? Davis: Potential murder weapons. Oscar: I have other traps, jackass! Davis: Hey, have we got a bucket here? Or a bucket and some string? Or a box and some thread? Or some kind of container that can hold a mouse and some kind of long strand that triggers the container to catch said mouse? I'm trying to catch a mouse. Karen: I don't know but let me try something on you. Davis: What was that? Karen: That means it's working. How do you feel? Davis: If I say "good", will you let me leave? Oscar: I'm going out to buy some different traps. If you see that mouse, don't kill it. It's between him and me now. It's personal! Wanda: I've been working here for years and I've never seen one mouse. I think you might be wrong about this. You know, how you're wrong about everything? This is just another one of those. Oscar: Not this time. Wanda: OK, go get 'em killer. Bring me back some morphine. Oh, there is a mouse. Ah, don't come over here. Shoo, get lost, go! Geez, you are cute. Ha, ha. Did you just pee on me? Emma: What's that? Davis: It's a catch and release safety trap. Emma: Oh, it looks like a cardboard box. Davis: That's what I want the mouse to think. It's just a cardboard box. Emma: And where's your partner, Officer Backcracker? Davis: How'd you know she cracked my back? Emma: She cracked your back too? Are you in pain? Davis: Barely felt anything. Emma: You're in shock. Davis: So, you're saying I'm in so much pain I don't feel any pain. Emma: Exactly, come with me. I'll mix up a batch of paste for you. Davis: Ah, maybe later. Lacey: Hey, you guys enjoying your coffee? Hank: Yep. Lacey: Good, well you better enjoy it while you can, because that's the last batch there's gonna be for a while. Yep, big embargo by all the coffee producing nations against Canada. Apparently, they don't like our foreign policies on various things. No, so after today, no more coffee. Brent: I'm just gonna smile and nod. Lacey: Ha, I sucked you in! Brent: Sucked me into what, a conversation? I kinda think you're missing the point of the game. Lacey: Not from where I'm standing. Hank: You're sitting. Lacey: Ha, I sucked you in. Brent: All right, look, the idea of the game is to make somebody believe something for a long time. What you're doing is just ah, verbalizing some random fib and then if anybody in the room makes eye contact with you, you scream "ha!" Lacey: Well, OK, fine. I can play it your way too. You know, if that's the way...oh, my gosh. Robbers just broke into Corner Gas and they're getting away with your cash register. I'm gonna go call the police. Hank: She has to be stopped. Every time she yells "ha", she spits a little bit. Brent: I know, the whole while I was talking to her I was dying to clean my glasses. Oscar: Holy hell, what is that stink! Smells like you're boiling fish heads and gasoline. Emma: It's medicinal. It's got a little tea tree oil, liniment... Oscar: And gasoline? Emma: Lemme try a little bit of this on you. Oscar: I'm not your guinea peg, test it on yourself. Emma: I'll try a little on my wrist. It's good for arthritis. Oscar: How's it feel? Emma: It's a little warm, but that means it's working. OK, now it's really working. Now it's really, really working! Oh, I better wash this off! Oscar: Well, what did you expect? It's got gasoline in it. Karen: Hey, Emma. Been trying your hillbilly remedies at home I see? Emma: This has nothing to do with my medical paste. I burned it making toast. Karen: Right. Emma: Get stuffed. Davis: Hey Karen, I forgot my wallet. Can you go in there and pay for my pop? Karen: No, I'm still having trouble moving. Davis: Still? Guess it's the last time you try lifting me. Emma: Ha! Oscar: Too late, Doolittle. I just set up the ultimate mouse trap. I got it at a yard sale. Davis: OK. Wanda: I think the scuba diver has to face backwards. Davis: You use that hi-tech one and I'll set up one of my own. Oscar: Good luck. Lacey: What's this, you guys running a daycare? Oh, my God. Are you OK? Wanda: No, don't touch me, it's my back. Lacey: Oh, I won't touch you then. People should not mess around with someone whose back is out. That's just stupid. Wanda: Oh, you're telling me. Lacey: Because anyone who'd let an untrained person try and fix their back is just a brainless moron. A stupid, idiotic bonehead. Wanda: OK, you made your point. Lacey: You guys, Wanda's really hurt. Brent: Oh, really. Lacey: Is there a chiropractor in town? You know what? I'm gonna go get the phone book. Brent: I know she's making this up. Wanda can't shut up about how good her back feels. Hank: At least she hasn't spit on us yet. Brent: Let's just pretend we believe her for a while so she'll think she's got us. It's the only way she'll stop. Lacey: OK, you two head over there and make sure no one moves her. Brent: Roger that, that's good medical advice. Hank: Yeah, we'll head right over there, 'cause we believe you. Lacey: Hey, you guys, I'm not kidding. Brent: I know, that's probably why we believe you so much. Davis: Hey, the box dropped! I caught him! I hope he's not hurt, I hate to see something suffer. Wanda: Yeah, that would be too bad. Davis: Hey, little fella. You OK? Oscar: He is kinda cute. Let's kill him. Davis: No. Oscar: Fine, but only because he's a cunning adversary and so close to retirement. But I want him run outta town. Davis: Deal. Come on Squeaky. Wanda: So, I wait here then. Brent: Oh no, Hank, it appears as though Wanda's hurt. Hank: Holy smokes, you think it's her back? Wanda: Yes, it's my back. Brent: Gosh, I thought it was cured. Wanda: I was lying. Hank: Ah, she was lying. Wanda: It's killing me, but just let me lie here a while. Don't touch me. Brent: No, of course not. Brent and Hank: 13, 14, 15... Lacey: What are you doing? Brent: Oh, here we go. Trying to fix Wanda's back and it was OK all along. Hank: Yeah, you got us good this time. No need to spit in our faces anymore. Lacey: Oh, you idiots! This wasn't part of that stupid game. Her back is really hurt. Wanda: Oh. Brent: Really? Uh-oh. Lacey: We should call a doctor. Hank: Yeah, 'cause she's gonna kill us. Wanda: No one's gonna kill ya. I should give you a beating out of principle but I won't. Because my back's feeling better. Lacey: Are you sure you're OK? Wanda: I don't know what these morons did, but it fixed my back. Brent: I knew it would. I actually spent seven years in Tibet with studying with monks... Lacey: Oh, shut up. Brent: All right then. Oscar: So long soldier. Davis: Take care little fella. Hope you find a lot of cheese out there. Oscar: They actually prefer candy. Davis: So long, Squeaky! Oscar: May the wind always be at your back and may...oh! Davis: Hooty, no! Category:Transcripts